The no email

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

~ Jack Kornfield

Tim Ferriss is writing a new book, "The No Book."

Even the title is useful.

Personally, I'm hardwired to say yes. Extrovert, founder, triple Libra, eldest daughter.

We are busy being busy, over-indexing on everyone else's feelings, and looking after number one only when numbers 2-1000 are looked after.

Empathising. People-pleasing. Justifying it with karma.

But no more.

My current list of "no" rules have got me so far. Words I don't use. Mistakes I won't repeat. Rules for life that I largely follow.

But I can do better.

We need a new manifesto for no.

First, the no questions. Questions to assess any invitation against:

1. If I say no to this, will I feel relieved?
2. If I say yes to this, will I be glad that I did?
3. If I say no to this, will it cause irreparable and permanent damage?
4. If I say yes to this, will it de-prioritise something I care about more?
5. If I say no to this, will I spend the time, energy, and headspace in a way that's better for me?

And if the idea of saying no still fills you with dread, even after facing those questions and the answer becoming clear, next we have no mantras.

• I reserve the right to put myself first.
• I can make more impact if I look after myself.
• I am on my mission, and what I need to do is clear.
• What other people think of me is none of my business.
• I hold zero guilt over who I am and the decisions I make.

And if you've recited the mantras, begun to feel okay with the idea of turning down invitations, opportunities, and requests that don't align with your mission, but you're still finding yourself saying yes... we need rules.

The no rules. If [situation] then [decision].

I can't make these for you. Only you can. Here are some examples of the rules you could create.

1. If the audience isn't my absolute dream client, I will turn it down.
2. If it can be outsourced for under £20 an hour, I will outsource.
3. If I wouldn't do it on my last day on Earth, I won't agree to it.
4. If it doesn't align with my ace cards, I will not do it.
5. If I wouldn't do it alone, I won't do it with anyone.

Questions, mantras, and rules. But how do you know when to use them?

Build your radar for other people's priorities. Notice when someone else is putting their metaphorical rocks in your metaphorical backpack. When you get leaned on, guilt-tripped, or asked for favours.

That's the easy one.

Harder is realising that opportunities need the same scrutiny. Because they reeeeally want to work with you. They'd be so interested to get your thoughts. The audience would love you.

Of course they would. You're lovable.

Doesn't mean it gets your yes.

Harder still is what you've already committed to.

A business you're already running. A book you're already writing. The social platform you're posting on. People you're already involved with. The things you said you do.

Just because it's already there, doesn't mean it should stay.

Imagine you are starting from scratch. Blank slate. Today is your day one, and nothing exists in your life. How do you build it?

What makes it onto your calendar?
What makes it into your home?
Who makes it into your heart?

If your answer doesn't match your exact life right now, a no is overdue.

No to anything someone else could do.

No to anything that doesn't represent the highest expression of you.

You don't have to cut everything at once.

Make a new no. This week. One invitation, one meeting, one favour. See how nothing breaks. Then feel the glorious feeling of relief, and do it again.

Clear the space, cut the excess, make room for magic.